Be Intentional About Raising Respectful, Responsible, and Resourceful Kids
My mother is still living—in fact, at almost 92, she is still an active member of our family as well as our church family. She worked full time until she was 83 and questioned her retirement even then. She is a member of what Tom Brokaw called “the greatest generation.” I am fascinated by this group of people. Their work ethic, their integrity, their humble spirit are all traits we want in ourselves and our children.
But we did not live through the great depression or WWII. And, for the most part, we’re happy about that. But those two factors greatly contributed to the character of the men and women of the “greatest generation.” Things they learned just by doing life, our children and grandchildren will not learn. When a child MUST wear the same pair of pants to school for an entire school year or eat green beans because there is nothing else, that child learns valuable life lessons that many children in America will not learn today. We need some intentional teaching to be sure our children grow up with the value system we value.
Perhaps your family has gone or is going through some hard times. It’s natural for you to want to protect your children from any heartache, but it’s important to realize many life lessons can be gained during hard times. As parents and grandparents, we must seize opportunities, not run from them, for our children to learn those hard lessons and grow from them.
Years ago, my granddaughter, Sadie, faced a tough decision. An ice storm hit our area like other areas and school was cancelled. Of course, the kids were thrilled, but then it came time to make up what was lost. Sadie’s basketball game was moved to a Saturday night. Sadie had bought a ticket to fly to see her boyfriend at the time who live in Alabama. Now she faced a decision that only she could solve.
She called me seeking advice. What should I do? She wanted to know. And I said, no one can make that decision for you, but remember, you are part of a team. She decided to stay home, play the game, and then go see the boyfriend. She scored twelve points that night and the team won the game. But the biggest victory for me was seeing Sadie make the right choice.
If you want to work on your “intentional parenting” techniques to help your child be more responsible, respectful and resourceful, here are a few of the things I value in getting there.
1. Once a child is capable of an action, let him or her do it themselves. Once they can brush their teeth, let them do it.
2. Keep your cool. Overreacting gives power to the child. A lesson I have learned from teachers is lower your voice instead of raising it. Kids respond to that.
3. Let children learn their own life lessons—don’t rescue. It’s tempting, but don’t do it. Adults can help by guiding, but don’t do it for them.
4. Treat all children as their age dictates. Let children be children and teens be teens. Do not treat teenager like they are larger children—doing so creates resentment. And treating a child like they are mini-teens creates insecurity.
5. Always do what is right despite anger, tears, cursing, or threats. So often we want to justify our actions by pointing out the actions of others, giving our actions credibility. But it doesn’t work that way. Bad behavior cannot be justified by more bad behavior.
6. Use your heart and head to comfort, console, and congratulate. Let your heart and head guide your comforting, not your feelings. For example, if your child gets his/her feelings hurt, show them you are concerned for their feelings and validate those feelings, but also encourage them that their strength is in God, not others.
7. Use your head, not feelings, to answer questions and give guidance. Once again, it’s our feelings that get us in trouble as children and adults. It’s important to see all sides of an issue and answer with truth, not feelings about what is true.
8. Use consistent consequences to shape right behavior. Do not allow disrespect, disobedience, or laziness. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Children thrive when consistent parenting takes place.
9. Accept that providing training, instruction and support are part of your job description. Yes, you will get tired of being the one in charge of life, but it’s your job and it will go by faster than you want it to. God’s calls you to disciple your children and you can do it.
10. Pray daily because they are God’s first. Some days it will feel like all you have left to do is pray. Prayer should be the first line of defense, so do that first, then focus on all the other techniques.
Hugs, Chrys
