Help! I’m the Parent of an Adult! Five tips for Parents of Adult Kids

First, everyone is in shock (you and the kids) when, seemingly overnight, you find yourself the parent of an adult. After years of mothering and smothering (for some), it will take some time to regroup. But, don’t take too long. The sooner you recognize life has changed, the better. The last thing you want to do is continue to treat an adult like a child. After all, our goal as parents is to work ourselves out of a job. I know, it’s hard to think we’re not needed anymore, but trust me, they still need you, just not in the same way.

This article might be more applicable if you are parents of newly adult children, but truth is truth, so even if your children have been adults for a while, it might be helpful. My children have been adults for over twenty years, so we walked this road (or tightrope) a few years back, but I talk to many parents of adult children who are well into adulthood and they are still working on a good relationship, so if the shoe fits, as they say, wear it.

So, here’s my five rules:

1. Understand your new role. As hard as it is, your role is no longer to pick out clothes, decide on a menu, or drive your child to lessons, to school or anywhere, for that matter. Your adult child needs to feel like, and, maybe, be reminded, that you equipped him or her to do daily tasks themselves. There is never anything wrong with an occasional treat like doing their laundry on a particularly busy school or work week, but for the most part, your job of handling those things is over. Understanding that is the key to this new relationship. When we continue to mother like we did during the training years, we are saying we don’t trust them to become the people we trained them to be.
2. Find new hobbies or jobs. This is so important to building a healthy adult relationship with your children. Your children need to know you are happy doing other things. They don’t need to feel guilty that they are not supplying your need for entertainment, mission efforts, or jobs. So, what to do? Since your children are no longer your mission field, maybe you can channel all that helping spirit into a real mission, either at home or abroad. There is always plenty to do. Just contact your church and someone will put you to work. Or perhaps it’s time to take up a new hobby. I started playing tennis when my kids went off to college. It’s been such a blessing and given me years of fun with my adult kids and now my grandkids. Or maybe you want to try a job you never had time to pursue. Whatever it is—go for it!
3. Resist the urge to check in constantly. In today’s world, there is no reason to not know what your child is doing every minute, except for the fact that it’s too much! Train yourself to go a day without talking to them. Let them have to make a decision on their own. Pick out a pair of jeans without you. Decide what steak to get without your opinion. Even decide which class to take next semester without your input. Talking to our kids constantly is an awesome blessings, but store owners and shop keepers are telling me they can’t find an employee who can make a decision on their own. Nobody wants to contribute to the decline in workforce personnel, so give your phone and your adult child a break. If they call and ask why you haven’t called them, tell them you were busy and knew they had life handled. Even if you do talk every day, use that time to listen to them tell you what they have done or figured out. Don’t resort back to mom-mode. Be in listening adult mode.
4. Be open and receptive to their new relationships. Whether it’s a new boyfriend/girlfriend or a marriage that has already happened, be open, kind and considerate. With any new dating relationship, there’s a chance that it could turn into a forever spouse, so be careful not to do anything that would hurt your future relationship with that person. Remember, our children are not mini-“mes”, even though people love to post that phrase on their Facebook or Instagram page. Their likes and dislikes are not going to always line up with yours even in their choices for friends. So, approach friends of your adult children with a sweet spirit and don’t interfere unless asked. Having said that, it’s normal, even wise, to be concerned that the new friendship is one that will bless your adult child, not hurt them. But, it’s best to keep all concerns to yourself unless it’s something you consider dangerous. And, take your concerns to God. Prayer time is the perfect time to express all concerns.
5. Don’t wear your feelings on your shoulders. Sure, lots of things happen in any relationship that could make you feel sad, mad, aggravated, agitated, crazy, provoked, and on and on. Things are said or done or handled in a way that might go against your ideas or beliefs. But, the bible is very clear when it says in Romans 12:18 “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” I’ll say it one more time in my words: You do what you can do to keep the peace in your family. That’s all you can do. Don’t get your feelings hurt over things that won’t matter in a few days or weeks or years. Even though your child is now an adult, you are the adult with more experience. Don’t throw that experience at them, just use it wisely and tell yourself whatever it is that could bother you, will not and move on.

Sharing a life with your adult children can be the greatest blessing of your life. It’s time to sit back and enjoy watching your adult children use all the things you poured into them. And if you wake up in the middle of the night frightened you forgot to tell them something–well, they will figure it out, just like you did!

Hugs, Chrys