First of all isn’t that a strange word—squabbles—it’s one of those words that seem less and less like a word if you say it over and over.

But a squabble is a disagreement, a fight, an argument—pretty much everything kids seem to enjoy doing.

At the ballpark last week, I heard a mom say, “Just give her the ball and quit being mean to her.”

Being mean—does it just go with the territory of being a kid???

One morning at breakfast one of the grandkids touched the other and then it was on-“he touched me” then “he pushed me” it’s crazy how quickly it gets out of control.

The answer to that question is yes it does. The only way to avoid sibling squabbling is to have one child or space them 18 years apart. Children are going to fuss, fight, argue, and, in general, make lots of socialization mistakes while growing up. That is why it takes almost two decades to socialize them. And then it’s not a guarantee. We’re the only species that takes twenty years to get from infancy to adulthood. 

We have new puppies in our neighborhood. They are about three months old and are already almost as big as their mother. They try to nurse from her but she shakes them off and runs away. She knows it’s time for them to be on their own.

But humans take much longer—hence the need for parents—for long term, intentional parents.

The term “sibling rivalry” has been used a lot in the last few years. Again, like other modern parenting terms, I doubt that my mother ever heard this term. Rivalry is a jealousy of another child, which is not sibling conflict. Sibling rivalry, can happen when a parent gets involved and one child feels mistreated, but most of the time it’s just sibling conflict that causes us to want to pull our hair out!

A sibling relationship is really like none other. Siblings are required to live together and “get along” without choosing this scenario. They are just thrown together and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. 

Siblings may have two totally different personalities, yet they have to share space in the house, toys, cookies, etc. As much as we want to, we can’t mandate siblings love each other. But we can help them manage their daily lives together better. 

First of all, there are a variety of standard techniques that may be effective with your children. Those include:

1. Time outs
2. Taking away the toy in question if that is what they are arguing about
3. Put the children in a space for them to work it out
4. Acknowledge their anger
5. Reward good behavior
6. Have them come up with solutions 

BUT, if you find yourself using some of these techniques and it’s not working, you might want to use this one designed by Dr. John Rosemond. It is outlined in his book, The Well-Behaved Child.

First of all, let’s go over an important parenting principle: 

When a child misbehaves, remember the solving of that problem has to become the concern of the child, not the parent. When children are fighting, they are not one bit concerned that they are upsetting the family applecart—it’s us parents and grandparents who are upset with their behavior. Now that doesn’t mean that we need to walk away and let them fight it out—making it their problem—no it means they have to take ownership of the behavior that is disturbing the peace in your family.

Now remember, in times past, say my generation of being a child and beyond, when a child misbehaved—it was the child who was worried and concerned over his or her behavior—not the parents. The child was worried because he didn’t know what his consequences would be. He was confident there would be some, just didn’t know what it would be.

Today’s child gives little thought about his or her consequences so the behavior rarely changes.

Here’s the John Rosemond technique:

1. Clearly Define the House Rules

At a time when your kids aren’t fighting – at a family meeting – discuss what types of behavior you expect from them. Write the down on a sheet of paper and post it. Here is a good list of family rules about disagreements. 

Family Rules:

1. Keep your conflicts to yourselves. Do not disturb anyone else with it.
2. Do not complain to mom and dad about each other.
3. Make no attempt to physically hurt one another.

Remember–Do not have too many rules. You don’t need them and they are confusing. As I read this, I realized this was the unspoken rule at my house when I was growing up. With six kids, we rarely fought. Not because we all had such great personalities that we adored each other. No, because my mom and dad said we were not to disturb the peace of the family. And if we did, there would be consequences.

Next, make your peace sign and post it in the kitchen.

Then—

1. Explain to your children the ticket or strike system. This is just like what many teachers use. Tell your children the tickets represent the times they or their siblings break the peace rules. These can be just construction paper cut outs. Start with three tickets per one child. If you have two children—you will have four tickets. If you have three children, you will have five tickets, a piece, per day. Here’s the exception to the system—children need to be at least 3 ½ years old for this to work effectively. 

There will no longer be any need in yelling at them or getting frustrated. Simply remove a ticket each time the child or children break a rule. Simply tell them, you broke the house rule of keeping the peace. If they argue, simply say, you just did it again, that will cost you another ticket. Every child loses a ticket if one child is arguing. That is why they have four or five chances in a day to get it right. 

2. When a rule is broken, it is important to not ask what happened or to solve the problem, simply remove the ticket.  
3. When the last ticket is taken for the time, the children go to their rooms and go to bed early. It is helpful to reduce the entertainment value of their room before this happens. But if there are books to read and one or two toys, that is okay. 

This method puts the behavior of the child where it belongs—on the child’s shoulders. Children will stop competing for the “victim” award and learn to get along. They learn to keep their conflicts to themselves which is a skill that will help them at college, work, and in their marriages. These are valuable skills! If you have any questions or comments, let us know. 

Good luck! May the force be with you, moms and dads!