How did we get here? When did the paradigm shift causing parents to desire the coveted friend position with their children?

When I was a child, it was very clear that my parents weren’t to be bothered with being in a popularity contest. They were very sure of who they were. They didn’t care if I or my siblings liked them. I’m pretty sure there was never a conversation about this between my parents. In fact, I am confident they assumed we didn’t like them much of the time. But, they never doubted we loved and respected them and that’s what mattered.

Fast forward to today’s child-parent world. The lines of distinction have been blurred.
Think about this. In the past, parents and children did not dress alike, did not do the same activities, and certainly, did not listen to the same music. Today, not only do I dress like my daughters, I sometimes dress like my granddaughters! Not only do I listen to music my daughters listens to, I listen to the music my granddaughters listens to! Not only do I do activities my daughters do, I do activities my granddaughters do! Hence, the lines are blurred. In today’s America, mothers and, even grandmothers, look younger, are involved in more activities and, in general, enjoy a younger, more active lifestyle. All of these things may be one reason parents have slipped into the mode of being more a “friend” than a “parent” to their children. But, there’s more.

From about the 1970’s, we’ve had a parenting charge from “experts” to put our children on an equal level as us parents. I am all for a family unit that is active in listening and respecting each other, but not in a family unit that believes parents and children are playing on the same field.
Because of this, we need to be very mindful to not succumb to the social cues we’re seeing that tell us children are more important than, or even equal to, parents. Children are hugely important, but so are parents. And, parents, while they love their children should never strive to be their child’s best friend. Children don’t need friends, they need parents. They don’t need someone to agree with everything they say for fear of upsetting them, they need someone to be honest and loving and guide them to make right decisions.

A parent’s job is to lead, teach, direct—not be the friend.
My husband is a real estate agent and he is constantly coming home with stories of children’s behavior. One such story told of a mom and dad who asked their three year old what they thought of the house they were considering buying. It is actually scary for a child to realize that the power has shifted to him or her. Children expect the adults in their lives to protect them and keep them safe. When that is not accomplished, children lose their sense of security. Letting a child make adult decisions confuses the child and actually causes more insecurity. Being firm, but kind and loving as adult decisions are made breeds security for a child. The child feels confidence in the ones caring for him or her and that creates a more confident person.

Please remember this: Just because a child challenges your authority doesn’t mean it’s the wrong thing to do. It’s normal in a child’s development to test the limits. Our job is to establish boundaries and assist them in learning personal responsibility.
Raising secure children and confident adults comes when we realize that our decisions will not always be popular, but will be based on our love. Love for ourselves as parents, love for our children and love for God who established the role of parents and children. Basing our decisions on approval by the child will not accomplish God’s plan for our children. The potential is the opposite. You are more likely to raise an adult who is self-centered and confused when you allow or depend on a child to make adult decisions.

But, let’s talk for a minute about our life as Christians, aside from being a parent. Let’s look at how Jesus walked his walk. There were many times in Jesus’ life when He seemed to be very popular and times when He was hated. When he healed the sick, he was loved, but when he was preaching, he was doubted and ridiculed. Still, his mission was never about popularity.
Now let’s look at God’s role in the lives of humans. From the beginning of time, when God told Adam and Eve the rules of the garden, it wasn’t about being popular—it was about accomplishing what He set out to accomplish. He didn’t ask Adam and Eve how it sounded to them. He didn’t asked them for their suggestions. He told them the rules of the garden.

Just because people criticized Jesus doesn’t mean the mission was a failure. Jesus still did what God desired Him to do. Just because Adam and Eve disobeyed God doesn’t mean God’s directives were wrong.

In our Christian walk, just as in our parenting walk, we will be required to do what is not the popular thing to do—but it’s the right thing to do.
Our Christian walk will give us both fans and critics and, in our parenting walk, our children will alternate between being our biggest fan to our greatest critic—sometimes in the same day.

But, opinions of others should never dictate our behavior.
We have to go past what others think in order to do what we know is the right thing to do to reach our goal. In reality, whether or not people like us, will have nothing to do with our mission of serving God and our mission of parenting our children correctly.
Sure we’ll be frustrated when our children don’t see things like we see them. I’m sure God was frustrated a time or two with the Israelites. Sure sometimes we will feel hurt that some other mother thinks we’re too strict. But these things cannot inhibit our ability to do what is right. We have to go to a higher calling than a popularity contest to do the right thing.

As a mom, some people will react favorably to what you do—that’s including your children and others watching you—but some will not. As Christians, we have not chosen this life to be popular, we’ve chosen it based on what God wants us to do and how He sees us. At the end of our life, we will face one person and that’s God. His judgment and his love will be the only thing that matters.

Here’s a few more thoughts on this subject.

Leaders—true leaders—are casual and comfortable in their authority and matter of fact. Does that describe you or the other parents you know?
Speaking with authority actually requires a lot less effort than the opposite. Being unsure of what you say and what you are doing takes a lot more energy on your part and your children’s. Doubting causes insecurity.

This is not about being a mean parent—it is not about speak cruelly or unkindly to your children. This is about saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Your child might think you’re mean; what child doesn’t at some point? Your response should be “thank you, you’re right.” The bible says in Matthew all you need to say is simply yes or no… OR you may remember it sounding like this: Let your yes be yes and your no be no.

Here’s to all you “rocking it” moms out there who are okay with just being the mom and aren’t worry about being popular. Trust me, you are setting yourself up for an amazing relationship with your adult children. Just give them time to grow up.