Being a Friend to your Adult Child
Having an adult child can be so rewarding, but it comes with all the pitfalls of traveling through new territory. When you head out on a new adventure, you don’t know what you don’t know about the road ahead. Parenting adult children is the same way. Even though we are adults ourselves and we did walk through this before when we were growing up, somehow it seems oddly different when the shoe is on the other foot. When you were a young adult, it was your parents trying to figure out their new role in your life. Now it’s your turn. It can be done, but there are some important tricks to remember. Here you go:
1. Be respectful of their need for distance and privacy: This is hard because parents have spent 20 years knowing what is going on in the lives of their kids, but now they must understand that a huge part of being an adult is having a separate identity. Resist the urge to call every hour. It time to trust that what you put into them is now working and they are doing exactly what they are suppose to do.
2. Talk less, smile more: Now is the time to refrain from unwelcomed advice or ask too many questions. Again, you’ve parented for many years, so this is hard, but don’t do it! Let them solve their own problems. Even if they asked for advice, it might be best to ask them what they think they should do instead of quickly giving them a solution. Help them trust their own instincts to solve problems.
3. Be creative and intentional about activities: Do the things you love to do together. Puzzles, hiking, baseball games, tennis—look for the things you know your kids love to do and do that with them. When kids are young, family time happens every day, but now it must be intentional, just like with your friends. Set up a play date or a dinner with your kids. Just not too frequently. Remember they have friend-friends too and that takes up a lot of their free time. Don’t be offended if you’re not picked to go with your adult kids for a certain activity. Let them cultivate adult relationships outside of your family. This makes for happier adults.
4. Mentally agree to disagree: As you probably already know, our adult children have their own opinions about most topics. I know you have probably asked yourself how they can possibly think this or that because you didn’t teach them this or that, but God built into humans that ability to think and reason, so there you have it. Their reasoning will be their own. You don’t have to win every conversation with your adult children—in fact—you won’t, even if you want to. Part of the joy of adult children is being able to have a meaningful conversation with them. Keep in mind, they will have their own opinions and it might not make any sense to you. Go back to talk less, smile more. It’s best to just marvel at who they are and not try to get them to be who you want them to be.
5. Accept the new relationships in their life: It’s not easy sharing your son or daughter with someone new, but then again, you don’t want them to live with you forever, right? So, accept who they have chosen as “the one.” Be mindful about what you say to or about someone new in their life because that might be “the one” and it’s very hard to take back words you’ve spoken earlier in a relationship. Also accept their new friends. Once again, college-age and young adults are trying to find new friend groups and it’s hard. Gone is the high school drama, but there is still drama going on in young adults. Elect to stay out it and let them figure it out. After all, you did, and you turned out fine.
As parents, we’re in the business of working ourselves out of a job, so accept this new phase and continue to cultivate a close friendship with your children. If you can navigate this phase successfully, it will be smooth sailing from here on out.
Hugs, Chrys
