This is to all the parents out there—

Your job is to work yourself out of a job. That’s right. Your goal as a parent is to end up not being in a parenting role. Of course, you will always be a mom, but at some point, you will stop making decision for and about your child. They will be on their own. 

If you have a toddler, this is something you can’t even imagine, but it’s true and will happen quicker than you think. If you have a teenager, you might be eagerly anticipating that day. In any case, life will be full of little choices that will help you help your child move into adulthood. 

As a camp director, I daily encounter kids of all ages and in all stages in their journey to being “on their own”. This summer, we hosted over 1400 campers and around 100 staff members at our summer camp. Today I just want to talk about one of the issues I deal with as a camp director and that is homesickness. 

This summer, I had both campers and counselors declare homesickness and a desire to go home. Yes, even counselors get homesick and miss their parents. As college-age kids, they can work through it, but they still experience it. With our campers, it’s a daily issue.  I remember one camper crying and declaring he COULD not make it another night. I am quite confident this feeling he was having was real. He really didn’t think he would last another day, but guess what, he did. His mom was so proud of him on the last day of camp!

Handling homesick campers is perhaps the hardest part of my job because there are real signs and symptoms of homesickness that makes me sad for them. Web MD lists physical traits associated with homesickness as headache, stomachache, and loss of appetite, so medically speaking, it physically feels bad to be homesick. Plus, I have been homesick on many occasions too, so I can relate for sure. Plus, plus it makes parents so sad to know their kids are away from them crying and sad. 

What can you do to help your child learn to be away from you and get one step closer to living life on their own? I’ve always said we have to parent with the end in mind. In other words, we must make decisions today that will ensure that the result is whatever our goal is for our children. If you want your children to be independent, strong leaders in their community, family and church, you have to do those things that will give them a better chance at doing that. Here’s a few things I’ve discovered that might help you with this one issue of homesick children. 

1. Start young. I know this one is hard. My mom says when I was a toddler, I would stand at the door crying every time she left the house, but she still left the house. Leaving crying children is never fun, but they will get past it, and it teaches them that the parent will come back. If you’re nervous about it, take baby steps. Leave for 30 minutes, then move it up to an hour, then longer. If you have no one you can leave your child with, contact your church for help or look for a Mother’s Day out program or a friend who is willing to help. 
2. Set high emotional standards and show confidence in your child. Some children are just more “nervous” than other children. If you have more than one child, you know we’re all different. I was the “nervous” one, my sister, who is twelve months older, is the “independent” one. And there were four more kids for my mom to deal with. One thing she didn’t do was cater to my “nervousness.” She loved me where I was and was sympathetic and kind, but she set high expectations for me on an emotional level. I reached those goals because of her confidence in me. Instead of labeling me as the “shy” one, which I clearly was, she challenged me to go beyond what I thought I could do. As one of the shyest kids in the 7^th grade, my mom encouraged me to run for a student council position. I was terrified as she helped me make posters and write a speech. I did not win that year, but I saw what I could do and went on to run for and win other positions. Your “shy” child needs your vote of confidence and sometimes a little nudge to move forward. 
3. Speak words of confidence to your child. When you child is leaving for something that might challenge them emotionally, remember that your words have power. Tell them it’s completely normal to miss home and the family and the dog, but the thing they are doing is more important for that short time. If it’s a camp or visiting grandparents or whatever that might be longer than a day or two, help them see that a week is not very long, and they will learn and do things they have never be able to do. Many children struggle with handling everyday events, like school, but, again, speak only positives into them. Do not say things like “I will come get you at any point.” You might think this helps because it’s reassuring to them to know you are there for them, but it doesn’t work like that. It usually serves to give them something to constantly think about—my mom will come get me. Here are some words they need to hear: “You can do this.” “You will learn so much.” “I can’t wait to hear all about it.” 
4. Send something with them as a substitute for home. Some children do better with a stuffed animal or a journal to write in each day or a necklace to touch. I do recommend these types of things but be careful if you send a note for each day that you need to make that note fun and encouraging. Do not say how much you miss that child or anything about what you’re doing as a family while they are away. 
5. If possible, don’t give in and rescue your child when you know the child is where they need to be. So many parents ask me if they should come get their children or just leave them at camp even when they are miserable. One of the things I look for is complete and total misery. If a child cannot function at all and is affecting the entire cabin, I might advise a parent to come get him or her and start with some baby steps to independence. But, if a child is enjoying himself all day and expresses homesick feelings at night, I will advise a parent to let them stick it out. First of all, just completing the task is a self-confidence booster and second, they are in a great environment, learning new things that will be valuable to their future self. Resist the urge to rescue your child. Give them the opportunity to grow away from you. I’ve always said a kid not wanting to do something isn’t a good reason to not do that thing.  
6. Don’t send a child away to a summer camp if you know they won’t make it.  If you have a child who struggles with spending a night at a friend’s house on Friday night, he or she is probably not ready for a week at summer camp. Children do develop at different rates and are born with God-given personalities. While some children are ready for a week away at six years old, others are not. The things I am suggesting here are steps you can take to help your child; they are in no way a guarantee. It’s possible for parents to do everything right in preparation and have a child who refuses to stay away from home. Children are not puppy dogs that can be trained to behave a certain way. Children have a free will and all the training in the world doesn’t come with totally predictable outcome behavior.  This is where you fall back to any parent’s ability to know what is best for a child who isn’t mature enough to make the right choice for themselves.
7. Inform those in charge of anything that might affect the child’s mental health.  Things like the death of a family member or a recent divorce situation or a diagnosis about a certain behavioral issue are important information to help those in charge deal with your child during his or her week at camp or school or visit with grandparents. One thing we don’t want to do is set them up to fail. On the other hand, your child may need a week away as a distraction from issues. Again, you know your child. Just keep the staff aware so they can help in the best way. 

I know we’re almost past summer, but this was on my brain and may help someone as they prepare for next summer. Early preparation is always the key so it’s never too early to start.