Do you get frustrated that you have to keep telling your kids things over and over? 

How many times during a day do you feel like you’re losing your patience?

Have you actually said “I am losing my patience with you.” to one of your children?

I have. 

There are many reasons for parents to lose their patience with the kids and this goes for toddler age to teenage. 

First, you might just be exhausted and one more thing pushes you over your own limit. Or, you might be angry at something else and it’s easier to get mad at your kids than your boss or a co-worker. Lastly, for this discussion anyway, you might be filled with unrealistic expectations.

Whatever the reason, it’s frustrating, at times, to raise children. Let’s face it, it’s frustrating to be around people—sometimes, right? This past year has pushed everyone’s buttons. Feeling “caged in” has left many feeling like a “Calgon, take me away” moment will never be reached again.  

One of the more frustrating aspects of raising children is the feeling that you have harped on something FOREVER and they still don’t get it. 

Why does this happen? And, why does one kid “get it,” but the other doesn’t? 

Well, here’s what we know. Every human goes through countless number of stages of development. As parents our job is to guide our kiddos through the different stages and that takes anywhere from 18-21 years. Yikes! Are you kidding me? It’s no joke, but it does get easier. Eventually, everyone grows up. Then they start another journey of “growing up.”  Growing is a life-long journey, complete with ups and downs and highs and lows and successes and failures. Do we ever get right? We do get it better, but we never get it perfectly right. 

And the process can be frustrating.  

Rick warren recently said in a blog, “Although God could instantly transform us, he has chosen to develop us slowly.”

And slowly can be frustrating in the hurry up and get going world we live in. But being frustrated with slow-growth is also part of our growing process. 

Does that make sense to you?

Thing about this. Don’t you love a crock pot? Hopefully, you said yes to that, but if you don’t cook with a crock pot, here’s why people love it. We can put supper in it in the morning and it will be ready as soon as we get home at night. Right? While we can walk in the dinner and get dinner on the table quickly, it’s been brewing in a slow cooker all day long. Yes, it’s in a slow cooker, but if we’re going to be gone for eight hours, we need it to be slow. Hurrying it up would be pointless. 

Here’s an important principle to remember: Even though we are frustrated with our children as they are slowly growing, that slow growth has a purpose. That slow growth reinforces important qualities. That slow growth insures lessons are learned. That slow growth gives time for adjustments. 

I can remember my littles working so hard to get on the big couch or pick up a certain toy. I wanted to help them, but I knew they needed to experience the frustration with trying and the joy of conquering the task. I’m watching this again with my great-grandkids. My third generation to watch the slow growth process—my kids, my grands and now, my greats!

We live in a time where waiting is a negative and the frustration involved in waiting is considered bad. We are told it causes stress, insecurity, poor self-esteem. When we believe this or buy into this, we are in danger of not allowing our children, or ourselves, the slow growth needed for a healthier adult life. 

In fact, it will lead to some destructive behavior. Children can become spoiled, demanding and ungrateful and, parents, get more frustrated. 

Here’s another important principle: A certain amount of frustration is not only good for us, it’s essential to mature growth. 

We know from reading bible stories that Jesus was deliberate in developing his disciples.

Think about the Israelites journey to take over the Promised Land. The journey took them 40 years when it could have taken them 11 days. God allowed the Israelites to take over the Promised Land “little by little.”  Deuteronomy 7:22 says, “The Lord your God will drive out those nations before you, little by little. You will not be allowed to eliminate them all at once, ore the wild animals will multiply around you.” God choose to deliver the Israelites in incremental steps.

One more important principle: God doesn’t just show us patience, He IS patient. It is how he is defined.  It’s like God doesn’t show us how to love, He is love! So, God isn’t patient with us because we deserve it, He is patient with us because that is who He is. 

Why does it take so long to change and grow up?

1. Human are quick to forget. In some ways, this is a great trait as we have to forget things, like grievances, to be able to move past them. But, often we have to relearn something several times before we really “get” it. Think how many times you had to be told how to do something on your smart phone before it became easy for you or, as we say, second nature to you. Also, think how often you speak out of turn or some other thing you do that you know is a problem only to think, “Not again! Haven’t I learned NOT to do that!” The history of Israel illustrates how quickly we forget the lessons God teaches us and how soon we revert to our old patterns of behavior. We need repeated exposure for a definitive change to take place. 

It is the same with our children. It’s incredibly annoying, but they are learning the same way we learn. By hearing something repeated over and over again. Or by doing something over and over again. Frustration generally comes from our own response to not be able to do something. That, in itself, teaches a lesson. We either have to try again or we figure out that thing is not for us. 

When I was young, my mom decided all six of us would benefit from being on the swim team in our local town. The problem was I was a skinny little kid with not much potential to be a strong swimmer. But, I learned a valuable lesson (probably more than one) from being forced to swim—I actually was able to get pretty good at it. I didn’t go on to be an Olympic swimmer, but it did teach me to try harder at things and the end result would be success on some level. 

2. There are things we have to unlearn. Rick Warren, the preacher at SaddleBack church says, “Since most of our problems — and all of our bad habits — didn’t develop overnight, it’s unrealistic to expect them go away immediately. There is no pill, prayer, or principle that will instantly undo the damage of many years. It requires the hard work of removal and replacement. The Bible calls it “taking off the old self” and “putting on the new self.” 

Ephesians 4:22-24 says

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; ²³ to be made new in the attitude of your minds; ²⁴ and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. 

Colossians 3:7-19

 You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. ⁸ But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. ⁹ Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices ¹⁰ and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator

To use another sports analogy, several years ago I switched from being racquetball player to becoming a tennis player. Even though both of these games require a racquet hitting a ball, they are very different. I had learned some habits playing racquetball that were directly opposite of what I needed to do to hit the tennis ball correctly. It wasn’t an overnight success, but I did learn how to do a tennis stroke. 

The great news about this point is our children are clean slates, fresh canvases. We have the awesome opportunity to help them develop good habits at a young age. Habits like brushing their teeth and picking their clothes up off the floor will actually be the easier habits you teach; the tougher ones will be teaching them to speak kindly to their siblings and being generous to those less fortunate. But, they can all be learned with repeated reinforcement. 

3. Growth requires tons of trust. Every change involves a loss of some kind. Moving on to something else requires letting go of another thing. We fear these losses, even if our old ways were self-defeating, because, like a worn-out pair of shoes, they were at least comfortable and familiar. So, growth requires us to be confident in what we are becoming, not in what we are. We want to teach our children to move confidently toward growth. 

I have met many adults, especially young adults, who are willing to stay in a situation because the thought of changing the situation was overwhelming. This is not to say we bail the minute a job, a relationship, a task becomes too hard. But once we’ve determined the task, relationship or job isn’t in our best interest, and a change must take place, it takes courage to walk away. Many people don’t. 

4. Good habits take time to develop. Aristotle had this to share about habits: “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”

Researchers don’t agree on how long it takes to form a habit—some say 21 days, others say longer. The important thing isn’t how long, but how consistent your desire to change is. Research shows that even a minor change can lead to a major change. For example, if you are trying to work out at 5:30 in the morning and discover the hardest part of that is getting up and getting dressed, you might consider sleeping in your workout clothes until your new habit is formed.
The most important habits we can develop are those that shape our character. Remember that your character is the sum total of your habits. You can’t claim to be kind unless you are habitually kind. You can’t claim to be generous unless you are habitually generous. Your habits define your character.

Paul urged Timothy, “Practice these things. Devote your life to them so that everyone can see your progress.”

Recently, this information came out in the New York Times. The most-viewed YouTube video in history, as of this week, is a two-minute ode to a family of sharks. With nearly 7.1 billion views, the catchy children’s song “Baby Shark” broke the three yearlong run at No. 1 for the 2017 single “Despacito.”

If you have a little one this may not surprise you. One of the reasons for its success is children do not get tired of watching the same video over and over again. Repetition is learning for children, so repeating things of importance to them is key to their development

So, moms and dads, the next time you get frustrated with your child for not getting something right, extend a little grace and remember the song that says, “He’s still working on me to make me what I need to be.”