Recently I ran into a lady who had read my book, Rockstar Grandparent. She thanked me for my analogy of grandparents being like the benchwarmers on a basketball team. She said it helped her “find her place” as she welcomed a new grandbaby into her life. Later that same week, I spoke with a grandma whose heart is breaking because she doesn’t get to see her grandbaby as often as she would like, stating her daughter-in-law included her own parents, the other grandparents, more than she does her and her husband in the life of the new grandbaby. Oh my! Being a grandparent is definitely two things—the greatest joy in the world and the most frustrating position you love to be in. 

Let’s look again at my analogy of benchwarmers on a sports team. For this discussion, let’s use basketball, although it’s true of all sports teams. Being a grandparent, for the most part, is like being the benchwarmer or the second string player on a basketball team. The second string is made up of good players, maybe even equal to the ones on the floor, but for whatever reason, the coach has selected five other players to play before the sixth, seventh or eighth man gets a chance to prove their worth. Once we enter the grand-parenting world, the parents are the first string players. It’s as it should be. As much as you would love to have the little one all the time, it’s in the child’s best interest to love and adore his/her parents first and foremost. But, like a good second string line-up, grandparents are vitally important to the game. 

In basketball, any number of things could happen that would cause the coach to put a second string player in the game—too many fouls, an injury, illness. The same is true in grand-parenting. Illness, work, exhaustion, out of town trips—the list is endless as life is uncertain and busy and unpredictable. Just like that, you might be called in to assume the role of the parents. Suddenly, you are the most valuable player on the team! Think of those highlight reels when a second or third string player comes in and hits a three point shot for the win. That’s you! Part of a grandparents job is to “save the day” when a parent is not able, for whatever reason, to do the job for a short while. Grandparents get to be the hero! Even if it’s just for a little while.

I remember a time when I was scheduled to go on a trip with Korie and Willie to a Duck Commander event in Las Vegas. I was so excited. Like the song says, my bags were packed and I was ready to go. But, the day before we were to leave, Bella and John Luke came down with the flu. Of course, I volunteered to stay home and take care of the sick kiddos. It was more important for Korie and Willie to be at the Duck Commander event than it was for me to be there. Staying home wasn’t the easiest job or the most glamourous, but it was where I was needed. Trust me, it was a rock star moment with those two. I fed them, gave them medicine, found movies for them to watch, played games with them and, pretty much, did anything they wanted or needed for a solid week. At the end of that week, I was the most valuable player. Until their parents got home. Then they ran to them, hanging on and hugging them like two koala bears in the Australian outback. And then they went home. My job was complete.

Understanding our role as grandparents takes some getting used to. After all, for years we were the first string. We were the ones who got the first phone call, not the second or third, but the first. This shift in our role in life could cause us to feel “less than”. We can get all “up in our own head” and wonder if we’re even needed anymore because the phone doesn’t ring as often as it used to. 

But, think again to that basketball team. The sixth man on the team might sit out three quarters of the game, but when called in, he or she is vitally important to the team. In fact, if he/she wasn’t on the team, the team would be in trouble because there would be no one to take over when a first string player gets hurt or fouls out or just isn’t playing well. 

So, what does the sixth, seventh or eighth man do while he or she is sitting on the bench? They stay ready and eager. They watch the game so they know what is needed to be done when called in. At practice, they show the coach they have the skills and the right attitude to step in when needed. We have to do that too. We have to communicate through our words and actions that we totally trust what the parents are doing. We have to be attentive to the “new” way of swaddling or feeding or riding in the car or turning on a baby monitor. We need to acknowledge and affirm their parenting skills. And, we need to help the parents feel like they can trust us, the grandparents, with their baby. I know. I get it. You may have raised six kids, but you haven’t raised this one. Swallow any “mom pride” you might have and be a learner again. Learn to do things like they want it done. After all, the benchwarmer who yells out how the first string should be playing are never appreciated. In fact, they are annoying.

To the grandmother who feels like she is not getting “called in the game” enough, I say stay ready and present an attitude of love and grace to that new mama. Generally speaking, it’s no secret that a daughter will most likely defer to her own mother rather than the mother-in-law with questions and concerns. After all, she know her own mother and is more comfortable with her. If she “messes up” or “asks a silly questions” she feels like her own mother will be more forgiving. Remember, a new mama is in a very venerable state. She’s just delivered the most beautiful baby in the world and is unsure of her every move. It’s only natural that she call on the person who nurtured and loved her to adulthood. Try not to take this personal. Be understanding and kind and offer your help, but if she doesn’t accept it, be okay with it. As the child gets older or more kids are added to the mix, trust me, you will get the opportunity to come off the bench and play the game. 

A new baby being added to the family is new for everyone and it takes some time to figure out where everyone fits in. Think about the confusion a basketball team faces when a new ball player transfers in from out of town. He or she is not the most popular person on the team because he/she threatens everyone’s position. So, it takes time for everyone to adjust to this new reality, but the adjustments do happen and the team is better and stronger because of it. 

So, sit back and enjoy your role as the world’s most important benchwarmer. Grandchildren have a way of connecting with grandparents who live thousands of miles from them. It’s a miracle, really. And, I’m fascinated by it.  I know it’s a God-thing to put grandparents in this most fun, yet most important position. Enjoy every minute of it!